1️⃣ Proximity - closeness: Literal and emotional
🅰️ Physical proximity: This is close to me. That is far from me.
Examples:
This (here) is my pen (right here)
That (there) is my selfie stick (over there)
🅱️ Emotional proximity: This is something I’m emotionally connected to. That is something I feel detached from.
Examples:
I can’t deal with this right now. → Even though im saying I don’t want this, I don’t like this, the fact is that I’m feeling it. I feel the stress.
I can’t deal with that right now. → I’m emotionally detached from the situation. I’m not allowing myself to feel anything about that.
👉🏼THIS can indicate that I’m emotionally involved. I’m currently feeling sing about this.
2️⃣Refering back to something just mentioned
If I just said it and I need a pronoun to refer back to it, I’m most likely going to use THAT, unless I have some very good reason to use THIS.
Examples:
I heard the project was delayed again. That’s frustrating.
She told me she’s quitting next month. That caught me off guard.
A:Are you saying you forgot the deadline?
B:Yeah, I can’t believe I did that.
A: Did you hear that they’re closing the office?
B: Yeah, I heard that.
👉🏼Has nothing to do with deeper meanings or emotional anything, THAT is simply the default pronoun to refer back to a thing or idea.
3️⃣ Time
This = how it is now.
That = how it was in the past (or distant future)
Examples:
-At that time, I was working nights (then).
-I am not interested at this time (now).
-That is going to be so fun. - future
-That would be fun. - hypothetical
👉🏼It’s not about TENSES - it is about MEANING:
This would not have been possible a year ago.
Even though we are technically using a hypothetical, THIS refers to my real situation right now.
Note:
That is going to be fun - sounds farther into the future
This is going to be fun - sounds like I’m about to do it right now
4️⃣ Point of focus - conversational flow ⭐ IMPORTANT
Point of focus is about what we’re going to talk about now.
Are we currently exploring this or have we already established that?
This is what we’re about to talk about. We’re not going to talk about that.
It’s about whether an idea is something new (this, that we are bringing forward in the conversation) or something already established (that, a point we are not exploring).
This = We are building on it — it’s part of the ongoing conversation.
That = We are just commenting on it — it’s already settled or introduced.
👉🏼We’re talking about this - we accept that.
Clip 1
If you know someone who is just fantastic at connecting with people at communicating and you go up and you ask them you know “Have you always been like this?”
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This = how you are now (3). Present-focused and immediate. Also point of focus (4), because this is the topic moving forward.
Clip 2
We tend to judge people, like their moral worth, on whether they're a good communicator or not and that can be a little bit dangerous.
⬇️
That = the fact that we judge people. It was just mentioned (2). Maybe also some metaphorical distance (1B).
Clip 3
If you want to connect with someone, and you're someone who's an introvert - you're someone who has trouble connecting, it's really just a matter of learning how - learning these skills about how communication works. and you can form that bond.
⬇️
These = Point of focus (4). We’re about to talk about these skills.
That = Just mentioned (2) Also, fits emotional distance (1B) because the speaker is discussing the bond conceptually, not as a bond between us right now.
Clip 4
A: *asks a question* B: to answer that question let me tell you a little bit about what we know about the science of communication.
⬇️
That question = the one you just asked (just mentioned = 2). Also signals emotional distance (1B): The speaker is treating the question objectively, setting up a more detached, intellectual response - he is not emotionally engaged.
Clip 5
When I started writing super communicators, the reason why is because I had fallen into this bad pattern with my wife, which probably is going to be familiar to you and anyone listening to this, which is: I would come home from long day work and start complaining about my day…(proceeds to explain this bad pattern).
⬇️
This = Point of focus (4). He is bringing this bad pattern as the next point of focus in the conversational flow. This is the next thing he is actively engaging with.
Clip 6
I was working at the New York Times at that point be like my boss doesn't understand me and my co-workers don't realize what a genius I am…
⬇️
At that point = Past time (3). He worked at the NYT in the past. At that point can be past or future but it’s usually past. At this point = present. You can also think of this like: we are not about to talk about the NYT. That is not our next topic (not 4).
Clip 7
And my wife would say this very practical thing - she would say like why don't you take your boss out to lunch and you guys can get to know each other a little bit better.
⬇️
This = Point of focus (4). He is about to tell you what she said. This is the point moving forward. This is what we are about to talk about.
Clip 8
(Continues his story about the past)...and I was trying to figure out like why *this* was happening.
⬇️
This = Point of focus (4) - we are continuing my story about the past. This is a little like when we use the present tense to tell stories in order to pull the listener into the story with us. If feels more present, more immediate, and more engaging.
Clip 9
(Continues his story about the past) …but actually they said if you look at someone's brain every discussion is made up of multiple kinds of conversations and in general these conversations tend to fall into one or three buckets.
⬇️
This = Point of focus (4). He is making this the new focus of the conversation. Also, these conversations refer to the conversations we have every day now. We’re not discussing some past conversations - he is talking about research that applies to our conversations today. So there is also a time (3) influence here.
Clip 10
We should talk about what a super Communicator is because I think that'll help people kind of visualize this in their head.
⬇️
That = simple just mentioned (2). Referring back to the beginning of his sentence. (That = talking abut what a super communicator is.)
This = what is coming next, point of focus (4). The question was about what skills are involved in being a super communicator. We are going to visualize the answer, we’re going to talk about these skills now.
